So much stuff I need to settle this week. Been real busy, and every day i spend in there is like shit. I am becoming more and more disgusted, because as 1 person does nothing yet claims credit for all the successes, the other puts on a false front, assuring me everything is dealt with. I don't which is more sick. I'll take a shotgun, and pump their bodies full of lead. But i think i hate the lady more, so she dies first. :) I need to get out fast.
Dad asked me where i wanted to study. I really don't know. I don't know where to start now. My priorities are mixed up, Dad is making it worse. Finances are ok, but poor based on what I targeted.
I haven't prayed for long. I am going nowhere. Not that its a problem, its not foreign to me. Just that this time, I'm at the crossroads. I can't wait too long. I must advance. I am too immature for my workplace. I do not belong there. What am I gonna do then? I'm pissed, frustrated, though I don't show it. Do not test my patience human.
So open up your morning light
And say a little prayer for I
You know that if we are to stay alive
And see the love in every eye
- Paula Cole , "I don't wanna wait" -
Monday, March 31, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Redemption
Things are getting crazier as days go by. Closer to leaving, yet it dawned on me that I am not ready for life again. Studies, future, very much undecided. Todays sermon was about generosity, giving cheerfully. My book topic was about doing everything for the glory of God. I found it hard to swallow. My current workplace? For the glory of God? Trying to work for the glory of God in a place where people play god? Goodness.
Couple of days back, I caught CSI Miami on TV. In the end of it was a scene I deemed priceless and beautiful, though most might not. Horacio, always portrayed as cool, shot a gangster to death. He went over to the body, brushed the wound with his fingers, and spreaded the blood over his fingers as if to make sure it was real. Then the next scene shows him in a catholic church, down on a knee, looking at the crucified Jesus as if for a ray of hope. He proceeds to the confession box, where he looks in guilt at his bloodied fingers, eyes craving for forgiveness. Mr Cool, is human after all.
I spent some time talking to Alan yesterday night. It turns out, his parents are living separately, he lives with his mom and older sis. His mom has been in and out of hospital lately, and refuses to tell him the reason. It doesnt help that hes tied down either. I told him if he had brought the matter up to me or other superiors earlier, efforts could be made for him to spend more time at home with his mom. I asked him what were his plans after ord, he said to work, earn money and take his mom on a holiday. So heartwarming yea? Not many people would do that. I am so privileged and blessed, I am ashamed of myself.
So many things are happening now..need to take things one step at a time, and plan with a clear head what I have and need to do. God help me. God help and bless those who need Him.
Couple of days back, I caught CSI Miami on TV. In the end of it was a scene I deemed priceless and beautiful, though most might not. Horacio, always portrayed as cool, shot a gangster to death. He went over to the body, brushed the wound with his fingers, and spreaded the blood over his fingers as if to make sure it was real. Then the next scene shows him in a catholic church, down on a knee, looking at the crucified Jesus as if for a ray of hope. He proceeds to the confession box, where he looks in guilt at his bloodied fingers, eyes craving for forgiveness. Mr Cool, is human after all.
I spent some time talking to Alan yesterday night. It turns out, his parents are living separately, he lives with his mom and older sis. His mom has been in and out of hospital lately, and refuses to tell him the reason. It doesnt help that hes tied down either. I told him if he had brought the matter up to me or other superiors earlier, efforts could be made for him to spend more time at home with his mom. I asked him what were his plans after ord, he said to work, earn money and take his mom on a holiday. So heartwarming yea? Not many people would do that. I am so privileged and blessed, I am ashamed of myself.
So many things are happening now..need to take things one step at a time, and plan with a clear head what I have and need to do. God help me. God help and bless those who need Him.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Maybe Baby
Boring boring saturday. Was supposed to meet krish at bukit panjang plaza, and head to town for a gathering with poly mates, but both appointments were cancelled. All this I knew when I was ready to leave. Well, me being me, I still chose to go out, because my heart was set on leaving house. I just wandered all the way to Jurong Point and back, doing some reading and reflection. Turns out Life bookshop has shifted from Jurong Point.
I was reading Max Lucado's Cure for Common Life. Nothing really struck me, till I thought about the book itself, what it was written for. Purpose. The one thing that drives us humans to perfection in what we do. That is what I lack now. Trials and temptations are tests of faith, but I've failed them all. During CG, when Cindy asked me to share about Leeyen, I was probably stunned. I didnt know what to say. I know I should have shared, cos thats the whole purpose of the campaign, but I did not. I'm sorry guys.
I realized that all this while, since the day I was born, I never really had a purpose. Most, if not all of my friends, more or less have their lives mapped out, or narrowed down to a few choices. Mine is pretty much a question mark. I've got no plans, no purpose, so what drives me? I'm currently living on balls. Not that I've got mammoth balls, but balls enough to drag my ass to work, balls enough to keep myself from imploding, enough to contain the rot. Not stop it, but contain it. Not good eh. I know what a purpose can do to your life. I've seen people develop a passion so strong for their purpose, it drives away everything unnecessary in their lives, burns the chaff, leaving no space for evil to creep in.
I look back to the pathetic email I sent to Kairos about Leeyen. Once again, how I could be consumed by such madness, I do not know. But I know. Because my lack of purpose allowed such things to crawl into my mind. I've made a mess of everything in my life. I always thought I was strong, thought I would never fall to such a pathetic, pitiful state. Oh well, here I am. The current disillusionment at work does not help either. I need to work something out, to pick up the pieces, and do it fast. Purpose if everything huh?
To God, to Kairos, I'm sorry. I have not been praying for a real long time, so long I'm ashamed to say it, I have not followed the 40doc book, I have not put my heart into this campaign. I can only type it here, lest I ruin it for the newcomers and give them a bad impression. My mind and heart is quite blank during CG nowaweeks.
I think back to the email I typed. Oh what I felt at that time. Daisy told me to give it up. Jeff said so long as you have no regrets, do it. And of course Aileen before has told me, what Daisy told me. I received no reply from the rest, but I had this feeling they knew I was giving full vent to my emotions, and I also had this feeling they mumbled a short sweet prayer for me. At that time, I felt comforted because of all these feelings. Now, in retrospect, I feel assured, because i think they knew that, all they had to do, was listen to me. Just like God, they listened to me. Ahh, the sweet love of my cell group. And because of that, maybe, just maybe, I can hang on a little longer.
I'm tired. I'm feeling really tired, for the first time in my life...
I was reading Max Lucado's Cure for Common Life. Nothing really struck me, till I thought about the book itself, what it was written for. Purpose. The one thing that drives us humans to perfection in what we do. That is what I lack now. Trials and temptations are tests of faith, but I've failed them all. During CG, when Cindy asked me to share about Leeyen, I was probably stunned. I didnt know what to say. I know I should have shared, cos thats the whole purpose of the campaign, but I did not. I'm sorry guys.
I realized that all this while, since the day I was born, I never really had a purpose. Most, if not all of my friends, more or less have their lives mapped out, or narrowed down to a few choices. Mine is pretty much a question mark. I've got no plans, no purpose, so what drives me? I'm currently living on balls. Not that I've got mammoth balls, but balls enough to drag my ass to work, balls enough to keep myself from imploding, enough to contain the rot. Not stop it, but contain it. Not good eh. I know what a purpose can do to your life. I've seen people develop a passion so strong for their purpose, it drives away everything unnecessary in their lives, burns the chaff, leaving no space for evil to creep in.
I look back to the pathetic email I sent to Kairos about Leeyen. Once again, how I could be consumed by such madness, I do not know. But I know. Because my lack of purpose allowed such things to crawl into my mind. I've made a mess of everything in my life. I always thought I was strong, thought I would never fall to such a pathetic, pitiful state. Oh well, here I am. The current disillusionment at work does not help either. I need to work something out, to pick up the pieces, and do it fast. Purpose if everything huh?
To God, to Kairos, I'm sorry. I have not been praying for a real long time, so long I'm ashamed to say it, I have not followed the 40doc book, I have not put my heart into this campaign. I can only type it here, lest I ruin it for the newcomers and give them a bad impression. My mind and heart is quite blank during CG nowaweeks.
I think back to the email I typed. Oh what I felt at that time. Daisy told me to give it up. Jeff said so long as you have no regrets, do it. And of course Aileen before has told me, what Daisy told me. I received no reply from the rest, but I had this feeling they knew I was giving full vent to my emotions, and I also had this feeling they mumbled a short sweet prayer for me. At that time, I felt comforted because of all these feelings. Now, in retrospect, I feel assured, because i think they knew that, all they had to do, was listen to me. Just like God, they listened to me. Ahh, the sweet love of my cell group. And because of that, maybe, just maybe, I can hang on a little longer.
I'm tired. I'm feeling really tired, for the first time in my life...
Monday, February 25, 2008
5, hv, perverts, blokus..somedays just aint so easy..
I'm getting busier and busier. And i'm giving full vent to my frustrations. So much for righteousness and all that core values shit. Anyways, so sorry. I rarely have privacy now, so its difficult to post. Lets recap shall we.
5
thats the time I've been sleeping at consistently for a few weekends. I think I'm becoming an insomniac, or somebody did voodoo on me.
HV
I've been to holland v 3 times over the weekend, all for meals. I ate at coffee club, yi bao, cha cha cha. Pretty good food. Nice..
Perverts
For the second or third time in my life, I caught a perv masturbating in the urinal next to me. Whats wrong with guys nowadays? How bout a little discretion here. Next time this happens, I'll punch the guy with his pants down. Nobodys complaining if you do it in private man..
Blokus
I'm victorious in Blokus!!! I won 2 games. Soooo happy. I always get owned by yoon hee and paul. But, I've learnt a new way. Not thinking and going crazy destroys their game plan more than it destroys me..thus, I win!!!! Muahahahaha..
I've got some unsettled reflections and thoughts once again..i'll post once my mind is clearer, and I have the privacy i need. Goodnight!!!
5
thats the time I've been sleeping at consistently for a few weekends. I think I'm becoming an insomniac, or somebody did voodoo on me.
HV
I've been to holland v 3 times over the weekend, all for meals. I ate at coffee club, yi bao, cha cha cha. Pretty good food. Nice..
Perverts
For the second or third time in my life, I caught a perv masturbating in the urinal next to me. Whats wrong with guys nowadays? How bout a little discretion here. Next time this happens, I'll punch the guy with his pants down. Nobodys complaining if you do it in private man..
Blokus
I'm victorious in Blokus!!! I won 2 games. Soooo happy. I always get owned by yoon hee and paul. But, I've learnt a new way. Not thinking and going crazy destroys their game plan more than it destroys me..thus, I win!!!! Muahahahaha..
I've got some unsettled reflections and thoughts once again..i'll post once my mind is clearer, and I have the privacy i need. Goodnight!!!
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Sorry
Hi, I'm sorry..havent blogged for long..for the 2 people who read my blog..hahahha. I'm like those poor damsels on tv singing in jazz bars to a meagre audience of 2-5 people..pathetic pathetic..but hey..its my blog. Its for me to bitch anyways. I dunno where to start, and I wont really do any catching up, I'll probably just highlight the events I remember, probably significant stuff..=P
Erm..i remember..our cell group reunion steamboat..had fun..eating, playing cards, playing games, making daisy and hwee lan's present..=P I haven give them yet..shit..hahaha. and next other thing i remember..anan got 10pts for o levels..which i thought was bloody fantastic..but normal to other people..and ok to my dad. I thought that was mean. He worked his socks off for 10 points and he says "ok only la." Does it kill to say hes did a great job? sheeesh. I got him the ipod anyways..hes so high about it..shawn's abit concerned that we're pampering him too much..and I kind of agree..but i'll make sure anan never gets arrogant or spoilt..because if he does..i'll kick his arse. :P Next good thing..Paul was stranded overseas with visa problems, but praise God, He came back safely. And Maureen and Vincent are engaged!! Wooooh!!! So happy for them..they're so sweet..been together for so long.
Cell today was great..felt sick..but didnt regret lugging my arse there..never regret it..no matter how many people turn up..I always feel blessed to be there..Gloria and Kae Tee left early..and I must admit..i dont chat much with Gloria..but shes so warm and reassuring..her voice is..i admit.."up there". I would want her to be my dentist to pluck my wisdom tooth anytime, anyday. Hahaha..Anyways..before she left..I just struck up a short conversation..she was like "hey emo!" I was -__- But oh well, its all in the good spirit..shes forgiven..hehehe. Anyways..i gotta go..need to wake up early..new day..new beginning..
Its time to stop looking, start doing....
Erm..i remember..our cell group reunion steamboat..had fun..eating, playing cards, playing games, making daisy and hwee lan's present..=P I haven give them yet..shit..hahaha. and next other thing i remember..anan got 10pts for o levels..which i thought was bloody fantastic..but normal to other people..and ok to my dad. I thought that was mean. He worked his socks off for 10 points and he says "ok only la." Does it kill to say hes did a great job? sheeesh. I got him the ipod anyways..hes so high about it..shawn's abit concerned that we're pampering him too much..and I kind of agree..but i'll make sure anan never gets arrogant or spoilt..because if he does..i'll kick his arse. :P Next good thing..Paul was stranded overseas with visa problems, but praise God, He came back safely. And Maureen and Vincent are engaged!! Wooooh!!! So happy for them..they're so sweet..been together for so long.
Cell today was great..felt sick..but didnt regret lugging my arse there..never regret it..no matter how many people turn up..I always feel blessed to be there..Gloria and Kae Tee left early..and I must admit..i dont chat much with Gloria..but shes so warm and reassuring..her voice is..i admit.."up there". I would want her to be my dentist to pluck my wisdom tooth anytime, anyday. Hahaha..Anyways..before she left..I just struck up a short conversation..she was like "hey emo!" I was -__- But oh well, its all in the good spirit..shes forgiven..hehehe. Anyways..i gotta go..need to wake up early..new day..new beginning..
Its time to stop looking, start doing....
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Vagina
I took a facebook quiz a week back, and it turns out, I'm a vagina. As much as I'll like to protest, I've been a real vagina when it came down to work since new year started. Whining, bitching, gossiping, giving cheap shots to my siblings(e.g. nipple pokes). I must admit, being a vagina is quite fun. But I must go back to being a penis soon, because being a vagina does have its consequences. 0__0
My new house is ulu, inconvenient and inaccessible. But I kinda like it for its peace and quiet, besides the piano maestro hitting all but the right chords at 9am on weekends, besides the mad dog that keeps screaming, besides..oh well, I love this place mostly for its heartland traits. Pity I'll only be here for 6 mths.
Dad's bday is near, duno wad to buy for him. Anan's results are coming out soon. If he does well, he gets an ipod. And I get to be the one who buys him the ipod. And pays for it. Hahaha. But I'll be really glad to buy him tt ipod. Dad loves him more than anybody, and if he does well, Dad would be really proud, really glad. I'll be glad for him too. I hope he gets what he wants, because I didnt and it sucked.
I'm having some troubles at work. Conflict with someone not even worth a look. Choose your words carefully, dont tempt me to abuse my authority. I'll do it and look legal at the same time. Dont push it. Ok, anger vented. Haha. I gotta zzz. Busy week. Real busy week.
My new house is ulu, inconvenient and inaccessible. But I kinda like it for its peace and quiet, besides the piano maestro hitting all but the right chords at 9am on weekends, besides the mad dog that keeps screaming, besides..oh well, I love this place mostly for its heartland traits. Pity I'll only be here for 6 mths.
Dad's bday is near, duno wad to buy for him. Anan's results are coming out soon. If he does well, he gets an ipod. And I get to be the one who buys him the ipod. And pays for it. Hahaha. But I'll be really glad to buy him tt ipod. Dad loves him more than anybody, and if he does well, Dad would be really proud, really glad. I'll be glad for him too. I hope he gets what he wants, because I didnt and it sucked.
I'm having some troubles at work. Conflict with someone not even worth a look. Choose your words carefully, dont tempt me to abuse my authority. I'll do it and look legal at the same time. Dont push it. Ok, anger vented. Haha. I gotta zzz. Busy week. Real busy week.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
The beginning
Dear Diary..
Firstly, lets start with sunday, 6 Jan. Maureen and friends(as usual..haha) and all of us headed to outram park after service to eat zhi char. Getting there was a drag..cos our group were too friendly..knew too many ppl..stopped too many times to chit chat..Peimin was hungry and complaining..and so was i. Hahahaha. But something good came out of that chit chat..cos we found out Cheyanne and Denton were gonna get married in May! Woooh!!! Happy occassssiooonnn yeaaaaa!!! God bless them both! Lunch was not bad..went back home..and met up with Paul, Roger(the dentist), Pheng Aun, Daisy and Hwee Lan for dinner at HV sushi tei. It was to celebrate Paulie's birthday in advance cos next day he flying off to Egypt..:( Had dessert at Hagen Daz..looked at some of Paulie's mission trip photos..and went back. (the kids were cute anyway..haha.)
Monday 7 Jan
Huge holiday hangover..but nonetheless..i've got to do my job..dont want to also no choice must do..hahaha. Big changes..boss left, satoshi left, yijie n andy gonna leave..I'm almost alone..with the new dude coming in..I've gotta start from fresh again. I really hate that. Held the farewell for boss..and he looked so happy to leave..i'm not surprised..nobodys surprised..this is the last place u wanna be in, believe me. New dude looks ok so far..hes from the poly batch!! Whoopeeee!!!
Tuesday 8 Jan
The new dude is doing really great..a very good listener..learns fast..fantastic. I taught him how to say no..because saying no in my work place is a very powerful thing, which people most of the time are unable to do. Though hes not as fun as satoshi, I'm just glad hes not some square, stick in the mud, go by the book dude..I did circuit training with the guys..coupled with my own personal body workout on sunday and monday..my body is in ruin. I've never felt so wasted before. And guess wad? Theres a biathlon next morning. 16 laps, 5km run. I'm so screwed.
Wednesday 9 Jan
I only finished 10 laps..5km run..not bad for a wreck like me..and I must say..I'm in hell..i turn left..theres pain..right..pain..up pain..down pain..look straight for too long..pain..I mite as well go n die..cos anyways..theres circuit training tomorrow morning. Hahahaha. I survive this week..ima miracle man..
Reflections..
My House
I move this saturday..so sad..I love this place alot..its been my everything..nice, quiet, peaceful, my place of refuge, solace, my mental institution, my home. Hillview Crescent 77..if God is willing..one day I'll buy you back..
I've been sleeping little..packing stuff..thinking about my plans..do I really wana take a year off after I leave? Mission trip? Or volunteer work? Can I afford it? Do I really want it?
Funnnie?!?
After telling Roger the dentist about how in service..after Pastor Lynette said lets hold hands..I held the hand of a sweet lookin babe..hes threatening to tell the Pastor bout how she should not do it again..cos of guys like me. Cindy starts getting aroused and we talk about the type of gal I like. I said I'll show her in church some day..hahaha. Ok la..its not right..but I rarely meet girls in church or outside who can give me this compelling feeling to just appreciate their facial features..and they're not babeliciously beautiful as well..Its just this aura I guess..or no..its just something that really appeals to me. sigh. men. Oh no. Ivans not in love. cos hes busy with work. And oh yes. Even Kok Liang's mom is worried for me..that I'll turn gay. after kok tells her how I'm anti relationship even at 21, when i'm supposed to be submerged in sex, booze, drugs, clubs, but instead its books, home, mom, dad. Hahahahaha..so funny..whole world starting to think i'm gay. Anywayas..congrats to kok..you're back with her again..pls stay together..and stay happy yea! Jas(i hope you never get to see this)..sorry..but from wad kok says..that girl was toying with ur kind soul. Its obvious you're not over her..but take it slowly yea..not easy i know..step by step..get it outta ur system. If I had a shotgun, I'll put 2 in her. Bloody slut. Tts all folks..gotta go zzz..niteys. And please, I'm not gay. I still look at girls and salivate. ;P
Firstly, lets start with sunday, 6 Jan. Maureen and friends(as usual..haha) and all of us headed to outram park after service to eat zhi char. Getting there was a drag..cos our group were too friendly..knew too many ppl..stopped too many times to chit chat..Peimin was hungry and complaining..and so was i. Hahahaha. But something good came out of that chit chat..cos we found out Cheyanne and Denton were gonna get married in May! Woooh!!! Happy occassssiooonnn yeaaaaa!!! God bless them both! Lunch was not bad..went back home..and met up with Paul, Roger(the dentist), Pheng Aun, Daisy and Hwee Lan for dinner at HV sushi tei. It was to celebrate Paulie's birthday in advance cos next day he flying off to Egypt..:( Had dessert at Hagen Daz..looked at some of Paulie's mission trip photos..and went back. (the kids were cute anyway..haha.)
Monday 7 Jan
Huge holiday hangover..but nonetheless..i've got to do my job..dont want to also no choice must do..hahaha. Big changes..boss left, satoshi left, yijie n andy gonna leave..I'm almost alone..with the new dude coming in..I've gotta start from fresh again. I really hate that. Held the farewell for boss..and he looked so happy to leave..i'm not surprised..nobodys surprised..this is the last place u wanna be in, believe me. New dude looks ok so far..hes from the poly batch!! Whoopeeee!!!
Tuesday 8 Jan
The new dude is doing really great..a very good listener..learns fast..fantastic. I taught him how to say no..because saying no in my work place is a very powerful thing, which people most of the time are unable to do. Though hes not as fun as satoshi, I'm just glad hes not some square, stick in the mud, go by the book dude..I did circuit training with the guys..coupled with my own personal body workout on sunday and monday..my body is in ruin. I've never felt so wasted before. And guess wad? Theres a biathlon next morning. 16 laps, 5km run. I'm so screwed.
Wednesday 9 Jan
I only finished 10 laps..5km run..not bad for a wreck like me..and I must say..I'm in hell..i turn left..theres pain..right..pain..up pain..down pain..look straight for too long..pain..I mite as well go n die..cos anyways..theres circuit training tomorrow morning. Hahahaha. I survive this week..ima miracle man..
Reflections..
My House
I move this saturday..so sad..I love this place alot..its been my everything..nice, quiet, peaceful, my place of refuge, solace, my mental institution, my home. Hillview Crescent 77..if God is willing..one day I'll buy you back..
I've been sleeping little..packing stuff..thinking about my plans..do I really wana take a year off after I leave? Mission trip? Or volunteer work? Can I afford it? Do I really want it?
Funnnie?!?
After telling Roger the dentist about how in service..after Pastor Lynette said lets hold hands..I held the hand of a sweet lookin babe..hes threatening to tell the Pastor bout how she should not do it again..cos of guys like me. Cindy starts getting aroused and we talk about the type of gal I like. I said I'll show her in church some day..hahaha. Ok la..its not right..but I rarely meet girls in church or outside who can give me this compelling feeling to just appreciate their facial features..and they're not babeliciously beautiful as well..Its just this aura I guess..or no..its just something that really appeals to me. sigh. men. Oh no. Ivans not in love. cos hes busy with work. And oh yes. Even Kok Liang's mom is worried for me..that I'll turn gay. after kok tells her how I'm anti relationship even at 21, when i'm supposed to be submerged in sex, booze, drugs, clubs, but instead its books, home, mom, dad. Hahahahaha..so funny..whole world starting to think i'm gay. Anywayas..congrats to kok..you're back with her again..pls stay together..and stay happy yea! Jas(i hope you never get to see this)..sorry..but from wad kok says..that girl was toying with ur kind soul. Its obvious you're not over her..but take it slowly yea..not easy i know..step by step..get it outta ur system. If I had a shotgun, I'll put 2 in her. Bloody slut. Tts all folks..gotta go zzz..niteys. And please, I'm not gay. I still look at girls and salivate. ;P
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