Cold

So much stuff I need to settle this week. Been real busy, and every day i spend in there is like shit. I am becoming more and more disgusted, because as 1 person does nothing yet claims credit for all the successes, the other puts on a false front, assuring me everything is dealt with. I don't which is more sick. I'll take a shotgun, and pump their bodies full of lead. But i think i hate the lady more, so she dies first. :) I need to get out fast.

Dad asked me where i wanted to study. I really don't know. I don't know where to start now. My priorities are mixed up, Dad is making it worse. Finances are ok, but poor based on what I targeted.

I haven't prayed for long. I am going nowhere. Not that its a problem, its not foreign to me. Just that this time, I'm at the crossroads. I can't wait too long. I must advance. I am too immature for my workplace. I do not belong there. What am I gonna do then? I'm pissed, frustrated, though I don't show it. Do not test my patience human.

So open up your morning light
And say a little prayer for I
You know that if we are to stay alive
And see the love in every eye
- Paula Cole , "I don't wanna wait" -

Redemption

Things are getting crazier as days go by. Closer to leaving, yet it dawned on me that I am not ready for life again. Studies, future, very much undecided. Todays sermon was about generosity, giving cheerfully. My book topic was about doing everything for the glory of God. I found it hard to swallow. My current workplace? For the glory of God? Trying to work for the glory of God in a place where people play god? Goodness.

Couple of days back, I caught CSI Miami on TV. In the end of it was a scene I deemed priceless and beautiful, though most might not. Horacio, always portrayed as cool, shot a gangster to death. He went over to the body, brushed the wound with his fingers, and spreaded the blood over his fingers as if to make sure it was real. Then the next scene shows him in a catholic church, down on a knee, looking at the crucified Jesus as if for a ray of hope. He proceeds to the confession box, where he looks in guilt at his bloodied fingers, eyes craving for forgiveness. Mr Cool, is human after all.

I spent some time talking to Alan yesterday night. It turns out, his parents are living separately, he lives with his mom and older sis. His mom has been in and out of hospital lately, and refuses to tell him the reason. It doesnt help that hes tied down either. I told him if he had brought the matter up to me or other superiors earlier, efforts could be made for him to spend more time at home with his mom. I asked him what were his plans after ord, he said to work, earn money and take his mom on a holiday. So heartwarming yea? Not many people would do that. I am so privileged and blessed, I am ashamed of myself.

So many things are happening now..need to take things one step at a time, and plan with a clear head what I have and need to do. God help me. God help and bless those who need Him.

Maybe Baby

Boring boring saturday. Was supposed to meet krish at bukit panjang plaza, and head to town for a gathering with poly mates, but both appointments were cancelled. All this I knew when I was ready to leave. Well, me being me, I still chose to go out, because my heart was set on leaving house. I just wandered all the way to Jurong Point and back, doing some reading and reflection. Turns out Life bookshop has shifted from Jurong Point.

I was reading Max Lucado's Cure for Common Life. Nothing really struck me, till I thought about the book itself, what it was written for. Purpose. The one thing that drives us humans to perfection in what we do. That is what I lack now. Trials and temptations are tests of faith, but I've failed them all. During CG, when Cindy asked me to share about Leeyen, I was probably stunned. I didnt know what to say. I know I should have shared, cos thats the whole purpose of the campaign, but I did not. I'm sorry guys.

I realized that all this while, since the day I was born, I never really had a purpose. Most, if not all of my friends, more or less have their lives mapped out, or narrowed down to a few choices. Mine is pretty much a question mark. I've got no plans, no purpose, so what drives me? I'm currently living on balls. Not that I've got mammoth balls, but balls enough to drag my ass to work, balls enough to keep myself from imploding, enough to contain the rot. Not stop it, but contain it. Not good eh. I know what a purpose can do to your life. I've seen people develop a passion so strong for their purpose, it drives away everything unnecessary in their lives, burns the chaff, leaving no space for evil to creep in.

I look back to the pathetic email I sent to Kairos about Leeyen. Once again, how I could be consumed by such madness, I do not know. But I know. Because my lack of purpose allowed such things to crawl into my mind. I've made a mess of everything in my life. I always thought I was strong, thought I would never fall to such a pathetic, pitiful state. Oh well, here I am. The current disillusionment at work does not help either. I need to work something out, to pick up the pieces, and do it fast. Purpose if everything huh?

To God, to Kairos, I'm sorry. I have not been praying for a real long time, so long I'm ashamed to say it, I have not followed the 40doc book, I have not put my heart into this campaign. I can only type it here, lest I ruin it for the newcomers and give them a bad impression. My mind and heart is quite blank during CG nowaweeks.

I think back to the email I typed. Oh what I felt at that time. Daisy told me to give it up. Jeff said so long as you have no regrets, do it. And of course Aileen before has told me, what Daisy told me. I received no reply from the rest, but I had this feeling they knew I was giving full vent to my emotions, and I also had this feeling they mumbled a short sweet prayer for me. At that time, I felt comforted because of all these feelings. Now, in retrospect, I feel assured, because i think they knew that, all they had to do, was listen to me. Just like God, they listened to me. Ahh, the sweet love of my cell group. And because of that, maybe, just maybe, I can hang on a little longer.

I'm tired. I'm feeling really tired, for the first time in my life...