21

I am officially 21. I don't feel any different, because if this is what being 21 feels like, I've been 21 since 16.

Anyway, thanks to all who came to my birthday celebration. Thanks for the gifts and everything. I have never received so much presents in my life. Perhaps I should hold more birthday parties. Hahaha. Now that I'm 21, its time to leave the life of old behind. I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeee. Not. Haha, ya know what I mean. Well yesterday, I came up with a wishlist of things to work towards to. Heres da list so far.

1. Change my name to Jevon
2. Get an mp3 player
3. Get new pairs of jeans
4. Finance my own studies
5. Go explore another country on my own
6. Spend time doing something unselfish
7. Go join some extra curricular activity
8. Get good birthday gifts for my family members
9. Bring some of my close dudes to church
10. Psycho them to join cell
11. Get a new pair of slippers

Thats it for now. Haha. Probably the most interesting is to change my name to Jevon. Why? Cos its the first name I had, given to me by dad, only for the nurse to suggest otherwise. (Thats what I was told.) My dad should have stuck to Jevon, cos Ivan is so common nowadays.

Oh well, I could commit a crime and gazillions of Ivans could pop up on the hit list, so thats the beauty of my name. Wtf, I'm talking bullshit. Goodnight.

Fuck

Really fucked up work week. I hate you fucking irresponsible bastards. Boss was right, I'm defiant towards the big guns, but i'm letting the little ones get to me. I was so disappointed in myself when I heard that. I felt I let them down. This must not happen again. I wont let it. Friday was and is the last straw. I'm certain of that. Come monday, one finger on the guys and you're fucked.

All these aside, this week has been horrifying for me. Absolutely horrifying. I'm disillusioned, with everything. I'm so disillusioned, I scare myself. I gotta calm down a while, take some time off things, pray, pray, pray. First obstacle is on monday. I hope I dont slaughter anybody who crosses my path. Enough is enough. You've got me cornered, and thats as far as it gets. You fuckers.

Lazy

Went down to orchard for a stroll today, to window shop. Wad an eye opener. Esp. at paragon. I saw how a piece of cloth could cost a few hundred bucks. I could swallow my own balls when I saw the prices. As I was browsing through these pricey pieces of cloth, I had the sales assistant looking at me, ready to gobble me should I show any interest. But yours truly was and still is a master in such situations. With just a few movements of the head and eyeballs, I gave the "this is not good enough for me" look, when actually I don't even have the money to pay a quarter of the price. High cost of living indeed. Tis' was a good stroll though, no crowds, peace, alone, just the type of window shopping experience I was looking for.

Next up on the headlines, Ivan = Choirboy, or at least intending to. Maureen asked me to go for choir practice tomorrow night, cos shes going too. I couldnt refuse, cos I thought, "hey, should be fun, lets give it a shot." I dig those church choir costumes anyway, I think they're beautiful. Lets hope it'll be fun. And then my friends can laugh their arses off if I become what I thought was gay in my secondary school days, the choirboy. Hahaha.

Happy Belated Bday to Enlin! 21yrs old already. But life is still the same. haha. Stay cheerful gal. Don't let everybody get a piece of you. You must reserve some time for yourself!

Ok, thats about it. Till next time.

Unrequited Love

Just finished the task, I'm back resting. Today, went down to town with the intention of doing some shopping. Was quite disappointed, didn't manage to find the stuff I was looking for. What was I looking for? I realized I get the chills real easy nowadays. I want something thats lighter than a jacket, no zips, doesnt look like shit when i'm wearing it, and of course, keeps me warm. The answer, men's cardigan. Found only a few designs of it today. Either yucky or too ex. Crap.

My books! Oh my books! My one true love! How I long for your embrace! I have neglected you in the midst of chaos. I am sorry. Hahahaha. My birthday is coming up soon. I've never organized a party before. The party will be so ivan-esque. Meaning, simple. Eat, talk, cake, talk a bit more, home. Haha. I've never seen the significance of my birthday, though I do insist on celebrating others' birthdays, since it means so much to them, from the way I see it. Haha. My birthday from the moment I was born all the way till now, I can only remember 1 party. The rest were just having cake with family.

Thats the most beautiful moment I've treasured, though it lasts only 15mins. Because the people who matter to me have seen me grow 1 year older. They have seen me through my life. They are family. Still, I would have been fine all these years not celebrating my birthday, because I've spent so much time at home, the birthday cake is just a formality. Its time spent with family people! Not whether your birthday is celebrated or not! Yea, I know many people will disagree with me on this. I always had a nonchalant attitude towards my birthdays. This time, I dread it. I don't know why.

Well, tmr is enlin's bday. I hope the party would be great gal! Razzle dazzleeee!!! =) =)

I got to sort it out now.

Holey Moley

Havent had much time to think about things these days, bloody occupied with work(you know what my work is). Hopefully I get a few days off at the end of it all, so I can just chill and think about what I really wanna do, what I said in my previous post, and what have I really been doing these 3 years. I've never scolded so many vulgarities in so many years as compared to this few weeks.

Anyway, more shit to come. I gotta survive this to survive the next wave. Meanwhile, just a topic for debate. Do people need to be social to survive, or is it a loving relationship that really counts? Married people are getting divorced nowadays. People are more interested in being single, swinging, socializing, living what is called "the life". Funny how it seems, but the latter sounds more like my dad's advice to me, despite his loyalty to mummy. =) =). So just what is your advice dad. Haha. My opinion is that the latter is a pitcher plant of hell. It sucks you in with all its sweetness and sucks the life outta you. CHALLENGE MY OPINION BABEH!

Why

Today, during the army half marathon, while I was walking on the route at east coast park, I turned to the left to look at my surroundings as usual. I did not expect it, its as if God played a cruel joke on me. I saw you. I saw you running with 2 of your friends. It was only for a moment, but I am sure it was you. Its been 3 years since I saw your face, I kept asking God many questions. Why am I so sure? Because everytime I see your face, my heart sinks, consumed by pain for that very moment. You're the only human being in my life thats capable of that. I've wrote all these years, just hoping you could at least acknowledge the receipt of my letters or gifts. I had no news, no word. Why must you do this to me? I mean no harm. I'm sorry about my actions in the past. I know I deserve it. I know your reasons for avoiding me during those years. I would have done the same. But I have no evil intention now. I mean well. Am I too late? I have no one to blame but myself. My whole life, those actions I carried out were my greatest regrets. They caused me the greatest pain.

I hope you're doing fine, I hope you're happy. I wish you the very best. Please take care of yourself. God bless you and guide you.

weekend.

Pretty happening weekend. Went to celebrate dayah and haslindas bday. I hope you 2 grow into happy, mature, beautiful women. =) heheh.. Sad that faezah lost her bag. And another shocker, ok maybe not so shocker. The necklace i bought for peiyi might seem to be a bit small for her head, cos enlin made it according to her head size. oh shit. but it looks too beautiful to be worn anyway, just hang it as house decor? haha.

Today keneth asked me about organizing a year end chalet for the ncc dudes. He says desmond prompted him, like why nobody celebrate their 21 bdays together, blah blah. Perhaps he forgot, but the ncc dudes are the laziest bunch of arses i've ever met. =) still, i would be keen in having a year end chalet. hopefully it works out.

My family is treading on a thin line. Apparently, i can sense that Dad just can't wait to prove shawn wrong, whereas shawn is ready to fire on all cylinders. As much as i love my dad, sometimes, i blame him for my misdeeds. Perhaps if he didnt shelter me like some kid who couldnt see sunlight, i wouldnt have been so pampered. What irritates me is that he made me who i am, and then he passes me off as naive. I had to learn alot of things on my own as i went through my youth. So much for changing my lifestyle to make him happy.

Now for my university application, i wonder if i would end up where he wants me to be, instead of my choice. But one things for sure this time. This is a crucial point in my future. I cant let him decide where i end up. I gotta tell him i'm going there and thats it. If he doesnt like it, thats too bad. Cos i'm paying for my studies. I risk breaking the harmony in the family, but I've been living in his shadow for too long. I've been fine living in his shadow all these years, and i admit it has benefited me a lot, like not drinking or smoking, spending money wisely, etc. Still, its time to let go dad. Shawn is suffering cos you are still holding on to him. Time to let him go and let him learn his way through in life, not manufacture him into your robot. Time to let me go as well. If not come 25 Sep, I will break free too. God guide me please. I love my family, help me to do this calmly, with a reasonable and clear mind.

Yesterday, I heard something talk to me.
It said come to me, come to me.
Ahh, its all too familiar.
Its the skeleton in the closet, I think.
And it wants my company.