My first sin of 2008

Firstly, Lets start with 27 Dec, Joel's birthday party. I was the first of his friends to arrive. I thought it was a bbq, but turned out to be a buffet. People all dressed so nice and cool, yours truly wore shorts and slippers. hahaha. Met his fairfield friends, all years younger than I am. I gave him a book, "The Grand Weaver" by Ravi Zechariah. The party was good, heartwarming, and I had a great time. Though, I don't feel as close to him as before. A few old habits never die, and he still has difficulty saying the cold hard truth to me. Its just him, I guess. And I've embraced it!Hahaha. I hope the book can help you ask the questions you've been wanting to ask yourself and God. Happy 21st, and God bless you, my decade old friend.

31st Dec 2007
I went to church to attend my first watchnight service. I went with Mommie, and we gossiped alot about Dad on our way to church. Hahahaha. The moment I saw the leaflet, I complained to Ma that I shouldnt have came, because the people had so much lines to say!! :P Sermon was short and sweet. And then I saw this gal(not again Ivan..) who I've seen at the 10am service before. Obviously, shes a little cute, if not I wont remember(dentist must not see this, or he will gouge my eyes out). Heeheee. We had 5 mins of reflection about 2007. I thought about my life in whole, my future, my friends and family. I would say I've failed terribly once again.

And 2008 would be my chance to really pick things up. I cant afford to blow 2008, because I'm making plans, plans that I would elaborate later. 5 mins up, bells donging, happy new year. My first sin of 2008? Its a vulgar word, I duno why, but it just struck me. While everybody was jumping for joy and wishing each other Happy New Year, in my mind I thought, "Happy New Year. Oh fuck." I had to put on my Oscars winning smile and wish the people around me.

1 Jan 2008
Ate porridge at carpark level 3..it was good! Thanks to all who made it possible, and to those kind souls cleaning up. Me, dentist, Paul, Cindy cabbed to Al-Azhar's to have prata and to talk crap till bout 3am. Did funny stuff, dentist caught me digging my nose on video with his phone. Cabbed back home, sleep, wake up, go Holland V to lunch, with the same people plus Daisy. Played some real interesting games, though while playing settlers, I fizzled out, and played for the sake of playing. I'm clearly not cut out for such mind games, I'm a simple dude. :P We went to a void deck to play farkle and bridge, in which I came back to life. I won farkle! Muahahaha. Alot of luck and mind gambling. Hahaha. And Cindy had a kick ass time being my partner too, I hope.

Resolutions, Hopes, Dreams, etc.
My mom bought me a Max Lucado book, "Cure For The Common Life", for xmas. How sweet Mommie!! And its helping me with alot of personal questions, like is banking what I really wana do in life, what am I really good at, etc. Resolutions. Lesser vulgarities, calmer mind, stronger mentality. I lost all that in 2007. I need to get it back, to be the dude I was at the age of 16, and better that as well. I remember at 16, I had few struggles, because I was very absolute in my thoughts, lines I should never cross, things I should never do, all these to give me a conscience clear enough to sleep peacefully. And I succeeded greatly. In 2008, I must be better.

Hopes. To be able to reach out to Kok, Jasper, Colin, Joel, Ken. These 5, I reckon, are crying out for God, but they do not know it. Even as a friend, its been difficult for me to do that, I hope God helps me, and help them. I have been lazy in 2007, using my work as an excuse sometimes to not doing my bible study. I hope to change that, juggle work and cell group duties. I'm a fellowship champion!! I hope I'll be active, not like the dormant pig I was as harvest champ in 2007. My dream for now, is to take 1 year off after army, to do some meaningful stuff. I'm lookin at half year to full year mission trips, volunteer work, etc. Mom has given me her support, and Dad, well, I havent told him. Its something I wana do, and I hope he gives me his support. God help me too please. I need a lot of thinking and consideration. Also, I need to work on getting in touch with my old friends. I guess I'm not putting in enough effort huh, or am I just a little pleasure device in their lives? I will find out, and I'll continue to sniff out the useless shits I don't need in my life.

My workplace, boss's immediate transfer out, leaving me with a new boss, no 2nd in charge, new personnel, making me the most experienced(and i'm only 6mths experienced), and a very screwed up support crew. And oh, my immediate unofficial promotion to 2nd in charge. Means more shit. grrrr.

All this shit, worries, responsibility and accountability towards friends, family, cell group, I'm gonna swallow them all, and juggle them all. With God's blessing, grace, love and guidance, this 2008 can be really great for me. This is possible.

I thank you God, for watching over my wretched soul, perverse mind, sickly body, in 2007. I have offered worse than nothing. You have blessed me with a few lovely friends, a loving family, a loving cell group, to sustain me. I thank you for them, for their presence in my life. I thank you for everything, because everything is what I was given, and nothing was what I gave. There is no love like yours. Amen.

Christmas

I'm sorry for not updating. Lemme start with the gathering at east coast park on 22 dec, saturday.

22 Dec
ECP outing with Kairos. Twas pretty good, had fun playing cards, had fun with soccer. Only sad thing was cheyanne and denton didnt stay throughout, but i'm sure they're warming up to us. :P Glad that Joanne could join us too. Anyways, all of us were konked out by dinner, with only me yakking away to myself. :( hahaha. Went to meet kok and cabbed to jurong for soccer. Bloody tiring, but fun too.

23 Dec
Church. Daisy's confirmation. Woooooooooooh!!! I ate at the reception first and had dessert at Penny's Black. Chilled there till late noon. Everybody headed home..i went to town with Cindy..shopped around while she had her skin treatment..had dinner..had a great time laughing and talking bout interesting stuff..hahaha..

24 Dec
I was on duty. I watched you're under arrest on crunchy roll. It was good. Thats it.

25 Dec
Christmas. I missed Aileen's singing at the sanctuary..i missed pastors sermon cos i fell asleep..like wadafuk rite. Had lunch at coffee club HV, cam whored before we left, watched I am Legend. I would rate it ok. Will Smith acted well for a loner. Headed home for steamboat dinner after that. So good to have a family meal together..havent had that in ages..

26 Dec
I went shopping shopping. Bought a polo tee from G2 Blu and a green pullover from Topman. Had dinner with Sydney, Leok, Yvonne, Gary and Lai Yuan. So great to see them again. Though there were some weird quiet moments..i guess its down to us not meeting so much. I miss secondary school days man..

Today
Attended Joel's birthday party, celebrated it, celebrated our 10 years of friendship. It was a lil awkward, cos i only knew Joel. Hahaha. Am glad to see that he has such a beautiful family. Happy Birthday dude, I hope you get to make the changes in your life. Dont give up on yourself yea. =)

Tomorrow
Shop Shop again, since i got nothing to do.

This Christmas felt no different from the others, cos I didn't really feel the beauty of it. But I'm appreciative, cos I got to spend it with my cell group members. Next year, I hope to do something different for Christmas..Time to go, and I'll end it with conversation from one of my favourite dramas "Rescue Me".

Woman: I'm quite worried about him, I mean, how does a kid make so much money? I'm afraid its drugs or something. The other day, I saw him coming home with an iPod!

Man: Wow, you mean he got himself a car!!

Woman: Nono, its one of those things which you stuff into your ear.

Man: Oh okay, I get it.

Hahahaha.

I cant believe my "luck"

I was watching Rescue Me on AXN yesterday, and it was quite funny. I'll regurgitate what I can remember.

Man is sitting infront of computer, typing out a poem (Man is supposedly very macho in terms of character). Man starts mumbling out words of the poem while typing it out, to hear if it rhymes. Wife starts to come down the staircase.

Wife (on her way down): What are you mumbling about?
Man: Nothing.
Wife (near the foot of staircase): Yea right. What are you doing behind the computer?
Man (quickly minimises the window of poem document): I'm doing nothing.
Wife: Nothing? quit lying to me. Its porn right?
Man (in disbelief and relief also): Porn? Its not porn. Its just a fishing website. Here, take a look.
Wife: Oh I'm not gonna look at such disgusting things.
Man: Oh come on, its really a fishing website.
Wife: Nono, I'm not gonna look at it.
Man: Look its not porn ok. Argghh all right I'll tell ya. You sure you wana know?

Wife is looking expectantly.
Man: I've been doing poetry. Ever since the 9/11 incident, I've been expressing my feelings through poetry.

Wife is stunned.
Wife: Oh God, why isnt it porn?!?!!??

Hahaha. What a wife. Anyways, I've had the luck of the Irish today. I was walking ard at Heeren, and I saw this shop called Mooks and walked into it. From the outside, it looked quite interesting so I chose to walk in. The moment I walked in, I felt a total sense of "ickyness", and walked out immediately. Maybe it was the large group of muscled men hanging out there, but I remarked "fuck, this feels gay" as I left. I went to the next level, walked into this shop. I tried to look out for the sign, but I couldnt see the shop name anywhere (i got this habit of looking at the shop name first before entering.) I walked in, felt the same feeling I felt at Mooks, just that I dwelt longer because I was looking for slippers, and this shop had just that. I was attended to by 2 over friendly muscled male staff, circling me at my every step, pearly white smiles (fuck). I looked around the whole shop, all muscled male staff. That was it. I walked out immediately. Lo and behold, the shop name that caught my eye, new urban male. O-M-G. Hiding conspicuously on the glass panel.

Guess what I read in the papers when I reached home. I was reading the power list 2007 of fashion and design, which at 10th place were the founders of New Urban Male. All friggin gays. Lemme type out what I saw. "..acquired the license to distribute and retail American streetware label Mooks in Singapore." Mooks. Seems familiar. MOOKS. Oh fuck.

Now I know, to trust that "icky" feeling of mine always. And yea, I've got the luck of the Irish.

Christmas Part 2: I like it hard.

Well, I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel, for now at least. I sent my prayer requests to my cell group, and I'm quite sure they prayed for me, because I have seen things in a different light, and I'm able to move on again. Now, I'm just planning the cell group outing this saturday, and coincidentally, my ncc dudes bbq as well. As much as I would like to be there for the bbq, sorry dudes, I'm organizing my cell outing. I gotta be there, theres new people and all that stuff. Gotta help make them feel welcome and comfortable. You guys have a great bbq. =)

Also, I'm exploring my options after I ORD. Study? Take a year off to do the stuff that i wanna do? Beats me. I'm also thinking of my new year resolutions, shopping list, blah blah blah..The only bad thing about me is i'm more a thinker, not a doer. Hahaha. Anyways, I've just watched Cinderella Man. Its a good, heartwarming show. Russell Crowe and Renee Zellwegger make a sweet loving couple, their children, esp. their youngest daughter, is soo cute! Well, my leave has been expended. Time to go back to that dreaded place. Sian.

Musical on saturday was ok..though I felt it was quite short. The kids were super cute la!!! But I thought the choir could've been more active, like do some sister act dance or something. They looked a bit static. Hahaha. I hope Kok and Jasper got something out of it. Now, to drag them along for xmas service. Step by step yea. Pls pray for them. And pray that I can help bring them closer to God too. Thankss!

And yea, I like it hard. Right in the face. Thats the beauty of cold hard reality.

Christmas Part 1: At last, Fire.

I intend to use the days leading to christmas, to take stock of my life. To sieve out my ills, my joys, my goals, friends i need to keep, friends i need to reach out to, friends i need to dispose(maybe, i duno). I watched 3 dvds today, harold and kumar goes to white castle, analyze this, Batman Begins. Batman Begins was great, and i'll tell you later how watching it gave me a great impact.

I have been lost this week. I have felt confused, afraid, fearful. That empty feeling that I woke up with years back, I never had it in secondary school. I've tried to find the cause, but only in vain. Some say its depression, but that is too vague. I need specifics. These few weeks, I could only think of these people. Let me profile them.

J
My buddy since pri 5. We've been thru the worst of shit together, even a 1 or 2 year cool down in our friendship. He accepted Jesus Christ into his life at the age of 14, on a railway station in Pahang. He is struggling for identity, has both burning passion and temperament.

K
If I had to rank my friends, hes up there with Joel. Both I trust very much, but sadly I do not spend much time with them. Another true friend I'm blessed to have. Like Joel, he accepted Jesus Christ on the same day, same place, probably just minutes before or after, i cant really remember. I sense he is lost somehow, searching for something.

J
NCC buddy. We've had plenty of fun together in NCC. Probably a free thinker, definitely not Christian, from my observations. Nice dude. He is reeling from a hurt, trying to recover. And if he is like me, he'll probably think of what purpose life holds for him, what hope is there left.

K
NCC buddy. Had great fun together. Was a church attender. Stopped going for very long. Too caught up in his job, I fear he'll sell his soul to money. Lost his father when he was in school. Mom returning from mission trip in Myanmmar this saturday. He seems quite changed, not the dude that I used to know.

C
NCC buddy. We've had really good times together. Avid church goer, was devoted to God, years back. Left church because of some issues with his cell group I think, thinks the problem lies with the people but not God. But he has never attended church after that. Took up smoking. Hes looking for something.

She
How can I forget her. Whether or not she is Christian I do not know. Though from what I last gathered years back, she wasn't, and maybe still isn't. I won't take any chances. I've had the greatest difficulty in communicating with her. Shes not to blame, only me. I must admit I worry more about her over the others mentioned, because shes the only one I cant communicate with. Do I really care? Or am I just plain selfish? Or am I still obsessed? Or am I seeking closure?

I've been thinking about them for weeks. God deprived. They need Him, but do not know it. I struggle to find the words to approach the guys, let alone she. Especially she. The musical is this weekend. I must invite them, or I'll miss this chance. This might just be that unique chance that changes everything, I cant give it up. I'm just trying to run, to hide, but it wont let me. Pastor preached about reaching out to seeker friends on yesterday. It addressed every fear I had about approaching these people. Today, I had the urge to borrow dvds. I just watched Batman Begins at about 12+ to 1am. Phrases like "face your fear", "Its about what you do that defines yourself" keep popping up. DVD jammed at about 1 hr later. I switched to AXN for a while, and House was on. You know what he said? Dr House to patient, "Time does not change anything. Its what you do that changes things." Totally un-House, cos he always says something to piss his patients off, and he didnt.

So much for running away, I am haunted to the core, pushed right to the edge. I have no courage left, why me? Why not somebody else? Why does it have to be me? so what if i act? I'll most probably be hurt again. I dont need that shit in my life. I dont want it. I dont know how much more i can take. I really dont know. I am awake, sleepless, in a state of delirium.

Compulsive

Sleepless, Pondering, Searching..Searching...Searching....not enough fire..yet.

Insanity

Awake at this hour when I got to work tomorrow. Crap. Shouldnt have slept in the day. Just completed an insane 2 weeks of preparation. Slept little, ate little, lost 2 bloody kilos. Shit seems to be piling up by the truckloads in anticipation of my final swansong next year. Things dont look good. Most of my colleagues are leaving in Jan, boss included. I'm at a total loss. Worst of all, Satoshi is leaving in 5 days time. Haiz. So sadded. Though its only been 6 months, we've been like chang and eng. Inseparable. Good luck dude. I hate to see you go, but I'm happy for ya. All the best, and I hope we can carry on from where we left off. I hope your successor would be just like you, though I'm not counting on that. I'll miss the nipple poking, farting, crazy shit, dota-ing. Keep in touch dude. God bless.

Took a long stroll today. Its been ages since I did that. Had a little conversation with God. Why this, why that. But the crux of the conversation lay in 3 words. Dont look back. I chanced upon those words on saturday night at life bookshop in JP. (dont ask me wad i was doing there alone. ppl ask all the time. Sheesh. wads wrong with being alone.) Picked up a book. Flipped. and saw "dont look back". I went back, feeling I just got a mindfuck, and I needed time to ponder. Tonight, just hrs before this post, I read up on Sodom, Lot's wife and the Gospel of Luke. Lot's wife turned back to look as the family fled Sodom, and she was reduced to a pile of salt.

Luke 17:28-31 (NKJV) says, "Likewise as it was also in the days of Lot: They ate, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they built; but on the day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven and destroyed them all. Even so will it be in the day when the Son of Man is revealed. In that day, he who is on the housetop, and his goods are in the house, let him not come down to take them away. And likewise the one who is in the field, let him not turn back."

Luke 17:32 says, "Remember Lot's wife." Remember I did, because I'm just like her. I look back too much, and thus I'm reduced to salt time and time again. Lack of discipline, lack of heart. I need to take a good break this December, and relook my priorities, my life. I fear too much. I need some balls. Goodnight.