Christmas Part 1: At last, Fire.

I intend to use the days leading to christmas, to take stock of my life. To sieve out my ills, my joys, my goals, friends i need to keep, friends i need to reach out to, friends i need to dispose(maybe, i duno). I watched 3 dvds today, harold and kumar goes to white castle, analyze this, Batman Begins. Batman Begins was great, and i'll tell you later how watching it gave me a great impact.

I have been lost this week. I have felt confused, afraid, fearful. That empty feeling that I woke up with years back, I never had it in secondary school. I've tried to find the cause, but only in vain. Some say its depression, but that is too vague. I need specifics. These few weeks, I could only think of these people. Let me profile them.

J
My buddy since pri 5. We've been thru the worst of shit together, even a 1 or 2 year cool down in our friendship. He accepted Jesus Christ into his life at the age of 14, on a railway station in Pahang. He is struggling for identity, has both burning passion and temperament.

K
If I had to rank my friends, hes up there with Joel. Both I trust very much, but sadly I do not spend much time with them. Another true friend I'm blessed to have. Like Joel, he accepted Jesus Christ on the same day, same place, probably just minutes before or after, i cant really remember. I sense he is lost somehow, searching for something.

J
NCC buddy. We've had plenty of fun together in NCC. Probably a free thinker, definitely not Christian, from my observations. Nice dude. He is reeling from a hurt, trying to recover. And if he is like me, he'll probably think of what purpose life holds for him, what hope is there left.

K
NCC buddy. Had great fun together. Was a church attender. Stopped going for very long. Too caught up in his job, I fear he'll sell his soul to money. Lost his father when he was in school. Mom returning from mission trip in Myanmmar this saturday. He seems quite changed, not the dude that I used to know.

C
NCC buddy. We've had really good times together. Avid church goer, was devoted to God, years back. Left church because of some issues with his cell group I think, thinks the problem lies with the people but not God. But he has never attended church after that. Took up smoking. Hes looking for something.

She
How can I forget her. Whether or not she is Christian I do not know. Though from what I last gathered years back, she wasn't, and maybe still isn't. I won't take any chances. I've had the greatest difficulty in communicating with her. Shes not to blame, only me. I must admit I worry more about her over the others mentioned, because shes the only one I cant communicate with. Do I really care? Or am I just plain selfish? Or am I still obsessed? Or am I seeking closure?

I've been thinking about them for weeks. God deprived. They need Him, but do not know it. I struggle to find the words to approach the guys, let alone she. Especially she. The musical is this weekend. I must invite them, or I'll miss this chance. This might just be that unique chance that changes everything, I cant give it up. I'm just trying to run, to hide, but it wont let me. Pastor preached about reaching out to seeker friends on yesterday. It addressed every fear I had about approaching these people. Today, I had the urge to borrow dvds. I just watched Batman Begins at about 12+ to 1am. Phrases like "face your fear", "Its about what you do that defines yourself" keep popping up. DVD jammed at about 1 hr later. I switched to AXN for a while, and House was on. You know what he said? Dr House to patient, "Time does not change anything. Its what you do that changes things." Totally un-House, cos he always says something to piss his patients off, and he didnt.

So much for running away, I am haunted to the core, pushed right to the edge. I have no courage left, why me? Why not somebody else? Why does it have to be me? so what if i act? I'll most probably be hurt again. I dont need that shit in my life. I dont want it. I dont know how much more i can take. I really dont know. I am awake, sleepless, in a state of delirium.