Mother Teresa

ok. lets update.

Saturday 20 Oct
I met enlin for a late lunch..then proceeded to the library after that to look for some research materials. It turns out that both of us are fugitives too. hahaha! but she was fugitive no more that fateful day, as she released herself from bondage. For me, I still believe I have many fruitful years of being a fugitive, so I'll remain one. I accompanied her to chinese garden after that, since i had nothing much to do. Nice condo anyways. except for a couple of thirsty mosquitoes.

Sunday 21 Oct
went to church. had lunch with PCM. went orchard. rotted my arse there walking ard. had a really good meal at delifrance. went home. cut cake. sing bday song. (its my elder bros bday) work on my minutes. sleep.

Pretty much my weekend. The 1 thing that made my weekend so different was an article I found while doing some of my "quiet time research". Its about Mother Teresa. Maybe I didnt read the news or something, but it showed that Mother Teresa herself had great doubts. Some of her sentences were shocking to her sisters at the Missionaries of Charity. Greatest actress of all I would say, for nobody in the world could see the mask she wore. But one things for sure, she loves Jesus. Despite all that emptiness and darkness. I have the link here. Whichever religion u're from, perhaps you could learn a thing or two.

"...Mother Teresa wasn't 'feeling' Christ's love, and she could have shut down. But she was up at 4:30 every morning for Jesus, and still writing to him, 'Your happiness is all I want.' That's a powerful example even if you are not talking in exclusively religious terms."

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1655415-1,00.html

The world is yours

Today.
I came back from my duty today and watched Scarface. Pretty good movie, but the ending sucked. The whole movie depicts how Tony (Al Pacino) made it from small time hoodlum to big time gangster. He craved power and money, but wanted to keep his loved ones clean. He loved his sister Gina very much because she was the only thing he thought pure in this world. Too bad, he caught his best friend with Gina, and killed him. Talk about balls man! But he went crazy after that. In the end he got killed by thugs. Crap, I thought Al Pacino would survive and take revenge or something. Godfather was much better.

Anyways, I played Scarface the game for a while, and went to west mall, to buy a belated birthday gift. I always have this same problem every year..I just don't know what to buy. I bought a bible anyways. I was inspired by the bible quotes that I had on my facebook profile. Thank God.

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I gotta have balls man!! No fear!!!!

Its back to camp tonight. Got to do last minute work, and prepare for the damned conference tmr. Secretary. Oh well, I'll treat it as a positive work experience. Shit makes me a better person yea? I realised I havent been going out for the past 3 weeks. Friends not free. I not free. Now Mom tells me I spent 500 bucks last month. I am absolutely terrified. Never in my life have I spent so much before. Time to be the ol'stingy rotting log ivan again. Hahahaha. See y'all soon..

Froggie

"its a mad life i live. but who cares. i only have once to live it. so party lik theres no tml." I saw this personal msg that belonged to one of my msn contacts today. It made me look back on my 21yrs of life for a while, and I realized I never really did anything to "live" my life. Too slack and laidback. I had too naive a mindset I guess. My dad's over protectiveness didn't help either. I had almost everything a kid needed.

I guess all that made me happy to be the frog in the well. Well, reaching 18yrs old, the well sorta crashed, and froggie saw for himself the colours of life. He didn't like the colours he saw, cos' most of them were tainted black. Even the white had black in it. Froggie thought the world to be fucked up, nothing like life in the well. Black was the norm. Black was everywhere, on everything. Poor froggie struggled with that fact, and the fact that he too, wasn't as white as he thought he would be. Froggie is convinced that despite statistics showing christianity growing at a tremendous pace, Black is still pretty much everywhere.

3 years on, froggie begins maturing into a real frog. As in, a frog's frog. [(-__-) hahaha]. Froggie then delves deeper into the colour Black, making more discoveries. But. So what if he knows more now? He's not doing anything. Its so hard to fight Black..so why not go with the flow. Froggie says "i'm not that fucking weak." Yea, hes right. He's just lazy. He needs a spark. A painful kick to the nuts.

Mr Froggie is very mind-fucked now, very disillusioned.

21

I am officially 21. I don't feel any different, because if this is what being 21 feels like, I've been 21 since 16.

Anyway, thanks to all who came to my birthday celebration. Thanks for the gifts and everything. I have never received so much presents in my life. Perhaps I should hold more birthday parties. Hahaha. Now that I'm 21, its time to leave the life of old behind. I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeee. Not. Haha, ya know what I mean. Well yesterday, I came up with a wishlist of things to work towards to. Heres da list so far.

1. Change my name to Jevon
2. Get an mp3 player
3. Get new pairs of jeans
4. Finance my own studies
5. Go explore another country on my own
6. Spend time doing something unselfish
7. Go join some extra curricular activity
8. Get good birthday gifts for my family members
9. Bring some of my close dudes to church
10. Psycho them to join cell
11. Get a new pair of slippers

Thats it for now. Haha. Probably the most interesting is to change my name to Jevon. Why? Cos its the first name I had, given to me by dad, only for the nurse to suggest otherwise. (Thats what I was told.) My dad should have stuck to Jevon, cos Ivan is so common nowadays.

Oh well, I could commit a crime and gazillions of Ivans could pop up on the hit list, so thats the beauty of my name. Wtf, I'm talking bullshit. Goodnight.

Fuck

Really fucked up work week. I hate you fucking irresponsible bastards. Boss was right, I'm defiant towards the big guns, but i'm letting the little ones get to me. I was so disappointed in myself when I heard that. I felt I let them down. This must not happen again. I wont let it. Friday was and is the last straw. I'm certain of that. Come monday, one finger on the guys and you're fucked.

All these aside, this week has been horrifying for me. Absolutely horrifying. I'm disillusioned, with everything. I'm so disillusioned, I scare myself. I gotta calm down a while, take some time off things, pray, pray, pray. First obstacle is on monday. I hope I dont slaughter anybody who crosses my path. Enough is enough. You've got me cornered, and thats as far as it gets. You fuckers.

Lazy

Went down to orchard for a stroll today, to window shop. Wad an eye opener. Esp. at paragon. I saw how a piece of cloth could cost a few hundred bucks. I could swallow my own balls when I saw the prices. As I was browsing through these pricey pieces of cloth, I had the sales assistant looking at me, ready to gobble me should I show any interest. But yours truly was and still is a master in such situations. With just a few movements of the head and eyeballs, I gave the "this is not good enough for me" look, when actually I don't even have the money to pay a quarter of the price. High cost of living indeed. Tis' was a good stroll though, no crowds, peace, alone, just the type of window shopping experience I was looking for.

Next up on the headlines, Ivan = Choirboy, or at least intending to. Maureen asked me to go for choir practice tomorrow night, cos shes going too. I couldnt refuse, cos I thought, "hey, should be fun, lets give it a shot." I dig those church choir costumes anyway, I think they're beautiful. Lets hope it'll be fun. And then my friends can laugh their arses off if I become what I thought was gay in my secondary school days, the choirboy. Hahaha.

Happy Belated Bday to Enlin! 21yrs old already. But life is still the same. haha. Stay cheerful gal. Don't let everybody get a piece of you. You must reserve some time for yourself!

Ok, thats about it. Till next time.

Unrequited Love

Just finished the task, I'm back resting. Today, went down to town with the intention of doing some shopping. Was quite disappointed, didn't manage to find the stuff I was looking for. What was I looking for? I realized I get the chills real easy nowadays. I want something thats lighter than a jacket, no zips, doesnt look like shit when i'm wearing it, and of course, keeps me warm. The answer, men's cardigan. Found only a few designs of it today. Either yucky or too ex. Crap.

My books! Oh my books! My one true love! How I long for your embrace! I have neglected you in the midst of chaos. I am sorry. Hahahaha. My birthday is coming up soon. I've never organized a party before. The party will be so ivan-esque. Meaning, simple. Eat, talk, cake, talk a bit more, home. Haha. I've never seen the significance of my birthday, though I do insist on celebrating others' birthdays, since it means so much to them, from the way I see it. Haha. My birthday from the moment I was born all the way till now, I can only remember 1 party. The rest were just having cake with family.

Thats the most beautiful moment I've treasured, though it lasts only 15mins. Because the people who matter to me have seen me grow 1 year older. They have seen me through my life. They are family. Still, I would have been fine all these years not celebrating my birthday, because I've spent so much time at home, the birthday cake is just a formality. Its time spent with family people! Not whether your birthday is celebrated or not! Yea, I know many people will disagree with me on this. I always had a nonchalant attitude towards my birthdays. This time, I dread it. I don't know why.

Well, tmr is enlin's bday. I hope the party would be great gal! Razzle dazzleeee!!! =) =)

I got to sort it out now.