Drive Part 1

Had a pretty good weekend. Quite tiring too. Well, now its time to slog my guts out. Will be really busy for the next 2-3 weeks. I really dread this shit. Oh well, gotta get on with it, take a really good good break in december, and prepare to work my ass off for 6 months.

Cell group on friday night at daisy's were really fun. Had taboo, and as i checked out the photos daisy kindly put up on photobucket, i realized i looked like a politician. Really funny. I realized that 3-4 months back, we could be comfortably seated in daisy's home at the table. Today, we're like packed sardines, and its really great. Hopefully, we could spend more time together so that the group is not 'diluted'.

Watched saw 4 on sat, and stardust today. Saw 4 was all right, not as sick as i thought it would be. It has a reputation of being sick, but it didnt live up to its reputation of being sick. Not worth the cash. Stardust is not bad, not as gay as i thought it would be. The girl is quite pretty anyway, so its all right. =)

Melancholy
I was thinking today. After I reached home, I sat down on my chair, stared at the screen and thought about some stuff. (i always do this so that my family wont notice me in deep thought, and start teasing me about some girl)

Once again, i thought about her. Sometimes, I wonder if God is playing tricks on me. I still pray for her, send her gifts (its always some christian book. cant go wrong with those. haha.) but there never has been a reply. Its like i've been caring for someone who never existed. All who know i still write to her, have questioned my motive and walked away dumbfounded, confused, not knowing exactly the reason i do it for. And of course, I question my motive. Everytime i start to think, i question my motive, because its very important. The wrong motive led me into a bottomless pit years back. I cant afford that again.

Well, dont think of the reason i do it for, cos you will never get it. I just bother, I just care. Thats it. Do you need a reason to save someone? Do you need a reason to be there for your friend? I dont need a reason, having a reason just spoils everything.

Today, I thought, I suffered from 2 kinds of pain all these years. The 1st pain I felt, pain that I did not have her, pain which my obsession brought about, pain when my obsessive and lustful world crashed. This pain was evil. It caused me to be a living zombie. Till today, I still am appalled at my own state of depression back then.

The 2nd pain I felt, pain that i had no response from the letters I wrote, from the care I tried to show. It might not have been the purest care, but it was definitely not obsession. This pain hurts much more than anything. But it strengthened me, made me a better person. Because of this 2nd pain, I was more sensitive, more patient, something which has been lacking for very long. (I was quite a mean ass, really.) See the differences in the 2 pains? Yea its still causing me pain now. Yea, it makes me feel like i'm in hell. But this 2nd pain, I gladly bear. All this I thought about while staring at the screen for 30mins.


I don't know how long I can last, but I hope I last forever. God bless you. I hope you're doing great. Ranted a little too much, time to go. Time to go.

And I, can't help but ask myself how much I'd let the fear, take the wheel and steer. It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal. And lately, I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.