I've been spouting vulgarities non stop, since last month or 2 months back during the set-up, when people really pissed me off. Haven't been able to stop. Nowadays, a small matter and I go wot-the-fock. I'm quite astonished at my behaviour this past month. I have given full vent to my frustrations, and doing so I have stepped on some toes. I have always been political, in a sense that I've always tolerated mounds of shit thrown at me. I feel like I'm in secondary school again, sec 1 and 2 especially, when I lived, ate, slept, drank, breathed and swam in the f*** word. Maybe thats whats making me feel real tired nowadays, I don't know. I should stop I guess. Its no good for me. And Sam just told me today's sermon was on words. Taming your tongue. Oh boy. Jackpot.
Today, Jeffrey told me that Maureen brought another couple seeking a pcm. Its really nice, the rate our group is growing together. Maureen has certainly brought more life into the group. =) Bless her. Well, I'll be missing pcm this friday, cos I'm on duty. Sad man..I would've just finished the major shit, and I thought I could chill on a friday, but alas, it is not to be. To Maureen, Vincent, Daisy and I think Peimin too..Happy holidayss in Bangkok! Its gonna be election time there soon, so be careful guys..Keep you all in prayer.
Just to end off..I was thinking about a question..and its directed to myself. Can I have many girl friends and remain platonic? A question asked by my parents and brother. They keep asking me if I have ever thought of courting my good friends. I have, and the thought itself doesnt appeal. So i don't court. Anyway, the line has already been drawn, and I enjoy the close platonic relationships. Thats where it ends. Anything more, and things might get awkward and ugly. Period.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Drive Part 1
Had a pretty good weekend. Quite tiring too. Well, now its time to slog my guts out. Will be really busy for the next 2-3 weeks. I really dread this shit. Oh well, gotta get on with it, take a really good good break in december, and prepare to work my ass off for 6 months.
Cell group on friday night at daisy's were really fun. Had taboo, and as i checked out the photos daisy kindly put up on photobucket, i realized i looked like a politician. Really funny. I realized that 3-4 months back, we could be comfortably seated in daisy's home at the table. Today, we're like packed sardines, and its really great. Hopefully, we could spend more time together so that the group is not 'diluted'.
Watched saw 4 on sat, and stardust today. Saw 4 was all right, not as sick as i thought it would be. It has a reputation of being sick, but it didnt live up to its reputation of being sick. Not worth the cash. Stardust is not bad, not as gay as i thought it would be. The girl is quite pretty anyway, so its all right. =)
Melancholy
I was thinking today. After I reached home, I sat down on my chair, stared at the screen and thought about some stuff. (i always do this so that my family wont notice me in deep thought, and start teasing me about some girl)
Once again, i thought about her. Sometimes, I wonder if God is playing tricks on me. I still pray for her, send her gifts (its always some christian book. cant go wrong with those. haha.) but there never has been a reply. Its like i've been caring for someone who never existed. All who know i still write to her, have questioned my motive and walked away dumbfounded, confused, not knowing exactly the reason i do it for. And of course, I question my motive. Everytime i start to think, i question my motive, because its very important. The wrong motive led me into a bottomless pit years back. I cant afford that again.
Well, dont think of the reason i do it for, cos you will never get it. I just bother, I just care. Thats it. Do you need a reason to save someone? Do you need a reason to be there for your friend? I dont need a reason, having a reason just spoils everything.
Today, I thought, I suffered from 2 kinds of pain all these years. The 1st pain I felt, pain that I did not have her, pain which my obsession brought about, pain when my obsessive and lustful world crashed. This pain was evil. It caused me to be a living zombie. Till today, I still am appalled at my own state of depression back then.
The 2nd pain I felt, pain that i had no response from the letters I wrote, from the care I tried to show. It might not have been the purest care, but it was definitely not obsession. This pain hurts much more than anything. But it strengthened me, made me a better person. Because of this 2nd pain, I was more sensitive, more patient, something which has been lacking for very long. (I was quite a mean ass, really.) See the differences in the 2 pains? Yea its still causing me pain now. Yea, it makes me feel like i'm in hell. But this 2nd pain, I gladly bear. All this I thought about while staring at the screen for 30mins.
I don't know how long I can last, but I hope I last forever. God bless you. I hope you're doing great. Ranted a little too much, time to go. Time to go.
And I, can't help but ask myself how much I'd let the fear, take the wheel and steer. It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal. And lately, I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.
Cell group on friday night at daisy's were really fun. Had taboo, and as i checked out the photos daisy kindly put up on photobucket, i realized i looked like a politician. Really funny. I realized that 3-4 months back, we could be comfortably seated in daisy's home at the table. Today, we're like packed sardines, and its really great. Hopefully, we could spend more time together so that the group is not 'diluted'.
Watched saw 4 on sat, and stardust today. Saw 4 was all right, not as sick as i thought it would be. It has a reputation of being sick, but it didnt live up to its reputation of being sick. Not worth the cash. Stardust is not bad, not as gay as i thought it would be. The girl is quite pretty anyway, so its all right. =)
Melancholy
I was thinking today. After I reached home, I sat down on my chair, stared at the screen and thought about some stuff. (i always do this so that my family wont notice me in deep thought, and start teasing me about some girl)
Once again, i thought about her. Sometimes, I wonder if God is playing tricks on me. I still pray for her, send her gifts (its always some christian book. cant go wrong with those. haha.) but there never has been a reply. Its like i've been caring for someone who never existed. All who know i still write to her, have questioned my motive and walked away dumbfounded, confused, not knowing exactly the reason i do it for. And of course, I question my motive. Everytime i start to think, i question my motive, because its very important. The wrong motive led me into a bottomless pit years back. I cant afford that again.
Well, dont think of the reason i do it for, cos you will never get it. I just bother, I just care. Thats it. Do you need a reason to save someone? Do you need a reason to be there for your friend? I dont need a reason, having a reason just spoils everything.
Today, I thought, I suffered from 2 kinds of pain all these years. The 1st pain I felt, pain that I did not have her, pain which my obsession brought about, pain when my obsessive and lustful world crashed. This pain was evil. It caused me to be a living zombie. Till today, I still am appalled at my own state of depression back then.
The 2nd pain I felt, pain that i had no response from the letters I wrote, from the care I tried to show. It might not have been the purest care, but it was definitely not obsession. This pain hurts much more than anything. But it strengthened me, made me a better person. Because of this 2nd pain, I was more sensitive, more patient, something which has been lacking for very long. (I was quite a mean ass, really.) See the differences in the 2 pains? Yea its still causing me pain now. Yea, it makes me feel like i'm in hell. But this 2nd pain, I gladly bear. All this I thought about while staring at the screen for 30mins.
I don't know how long I can last, but I hope I last forever. God bless you. I hope you're doing great. Ranted a little too much, time to go. Time to go.
And I, can't help but ask myself how much I'd let the fear, take the wheel and steer. It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal. And lately, I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Emo Baby
Well well, lets start with saturday. I was doing duty, reading through my hotmail, and in came an email from Aileen. When I read it, I was a little surprised, but hey, its a really sweet effort there. =) So well, since emo baby is a compliment, I cant refuse it can I? From now on, whoever taunts me with that name, I'll make him suffer. I'm making emo baby my name. =) hahaha. Well, lets justify that name with an emo outburst (sounds gay..)!! woooooh...here goes.
Happy
because I am totally feeling what Aileen feels. Cell group is something I look forward to every friday. It has changed my life completely. In the past I thought I could never join a cell group because I enjoyed my privacy and I didn't believe I could ever find friends who could always be there for me. But I took a chance with Kairos and I've never looked back. Now I know I've got people watching my back no matter what. I feel much stronger than before, and people like enlin, joel, kok, hafiz and dayah reinforces that strength. =) I thank God for these people.
Torn
because Aloy is in deep shit, and I've lied to him. I'm really at my wits end. I see him as my buddy, but I refused to loan him cash, cos I'm not gonna be his unofficial money lender. He really needs it, but I've lied to him about my mom holding on to my atm card..blah blah blah..argh...i broke my golden rule this time. I'm mind fucked again. Either you help the poor soul all the way, or dont help at all. I'm currently in the middle, and the middle always gets fucked. I'll pray for you buddy, I'm sorry. I really don't know what to do. Just hang on ok?
Anger
because I'm being utilised as handyman again. My boss says its because I do good shit, so I get picked again to be big boss secretary. My 2nd boss says its because big boss loves my shit. Satoshi says I've got shit luck. I say its because theres one big fat lump of shitlard sitting in that chair not doing what shes supposed to do, and that is be a secretary. I'm close to my breaking point now. Push one more shit to me and I'll give you a dose of sweet, gentlemanly, sugar coated meaness.
Happy or sad?!?!?!
because after having a good talk with francisco, I realised that I had a miscommunication with K bout his mom. His mom is actually having stage 2 cancer, not terminal. I guess the word "advanced stages" + a sad face can give you an impression death is near. Thats happy. But stage2 cancer, according to francisco, though can be treated, has higher chances of a relapse (fyi, francisco is not a qualified doctor or nurse and I suppose he has no idea what hes talking about. I agree with him only because logically speaking, come on lah, if you treat it at the beginning, its safer and better rite). Thats sad. His family is quite separated, and he cant trust his elder siblings to take care of his mom. Thats sadder. Lets pray for him too shall we?
To end off, I saw this personal msg on yok's MSN today. (yok is a weird dude I knew in training. He was totally capable of doing those wtf things. And I mean really wtf things. Like having 5 pieces of white crocodile underwear with dried yellow stains in da area where ur dick is supposed to be resting. One for each day of the week. And he walks ard in those things.) Well, it says "You may think the cat is stupid, but the cat is very very good at being a cat." CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WATAFUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?? The following conversation takes place between me and yok, with the brackets being my actual thoughts.
emo baby says:
yo
emo baby says:
whats with ur personal msg man [just wads wrong with you]
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
heyz
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
hmm?
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
the cat thing?
emo baby says:
yeah [duh. what else seems wrong with you]
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
hahaa
emo baby says:
i thought it peculiar [i thought it damn bloody peculiar]
emo baby says:
any particular reason?
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
put it in another way... a person may be lousy at certain things.. but hes definitely very very good at being himself
emo baby says:
wah [wah, thats some serious bullshit]
emo baby says:
thats damn deep man [i'm bloody impressed with the way he twisted the whole damn sentence to make it sound like enlightenment. thats class people. pure shit class.]
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
hahaha
emo baby says:
i spent 15mins trying to decipher what it meant..but i couldnt read into it till you told me [pls dont tell me you just believed wad i said]
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
hahahaa
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
makes sense ya?
emo baby says:
maybe you shd refine it to dispel confusion[i meant pls do me a favour and kill urself. =)]
Wow, I'm actually quite evil. Wow, I wrote so much. Time to snooze. Nite people.
Happy
because I am totally feeling what Aileen feels. Cell group is something I look forward to every friday. It has changed my life completely. In the past I thought I could never join a cell group because I enjoyed my privacy and I didn't believe I could ever find friends who could always be there for me. But I took a chance with Kairos and I've never looked back. Now I know I've got people watching my back no matter what. I feel much stronger than before, and people like enlin, joel, kok, hafiz and dayah reinforces that strength. =) I thank God for these people.
Torn
because Aloy is in deep shit, and I've lied to him. I'm really at my wits end. I see him as my buddy, but I refused to loan him cash, cos I'm not gonna be his unofficial money lender. He really needs it, but I've lied to him about my mom holding on to my atm card..blah blah blah..argh...i broke my golden rule this time. I'm mind fucked again. Either you help the poor soul all the way, or dont help at all. I'm currently in the middle, and the middle always gets fucked. I'll pray for you buddy, I'm sorry. I really don't know what to do. Just hang on ok?
Anger
because I'm being utilised as handyman again. My boss says its because I do good shit, so I get picked again to be big boss secretary. My 2nd boss says its because big boss loves my shit. Satoshi says I've got shit luck. I say its because theres one big fat lump of shitlard sitting in that chair not doing what shes supposed to do, and that is be a secretary. I'm close to my breaking point now. Push one more shit to me and I'll give you a dose of sweet, gentlemanly, sugar coated meaness.
Happy or sad?!?!?!
because after having a good talk with francisco, I realised that I had a miscommunication with K bout his mom. His mom is actually having stage 2 cancer, not terminal. I guess the word "advanced stages" + a sad face can give you an impression death is near. Thats happy. But stage2 cancer, according to francisco, though can be treated, has higher chances of a relapse (fyi, francisco is not a qualified doctor or nurse and I suppose he has no idea what hes talking about. I agree with him only because logically speaking, come on lah, if you treat it at the beginning, its safer and better rite). Thats sad. His family is quite separated, and he cant trust his elder siblings to take care of his mom. Thats sadder. Lets pray for him too shall we?
To end off, I saw this personal msg on yok's MSN today. (yok is a weird dude I knew in training. He was totally capable of doing those wtf things. And I mean really wtf things. Like having 5 pieces of white crocodile underwear with dried yellow stains in da area where ur dick is supposed to be resting. One for each day of the week. And he walks ard in those things.) Well, it says "You may think the cat is stupid, but the cat is very very good at being a cat." CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WATAFUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?? The following conversation takes place between me and yok, with the brackets being my actual thoughts.
emo baby says:
yo
emo baby says:
whats with ur personal msg man [just wads wrong with you]
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
heyz
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
hmm?
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
the cat thing?
emo baby says:
yeah [duh. what else seems wrong with you]
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
hahaa
emo baby says:
i thought it peculiar [i thought it damn bloody peculiar]
emo baby says:
any particular reason?
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
put it in another way... a person may be lousy at certain things.. but hes definitely very very good at being himself
emo baby says:
wah [wah, thats some serious bullshit]
emo baby says:
thats damn deep man [i'm bloody impressed with the way he twisted the whole damn sentence to make it sound like enlightenment. thats class people. pure shit class.]
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
hahaha
emo baby says:
i spent 15mins trying to decipher what it meant..but i couldnt read into it till you told me [pls dont tell me you just believed wad i said]
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
hahahaa
= | ......Appreciation.... Sincerity says:
makes sense ya?
emo baby says:
maybe you shd refine it to dispel confusion[i meant pls do me a favour and kill urself. =)]
Wow, I'm actually quite evil. Wow, I wrote so much. Time to snooze. Nite people.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Passionless
As usual, I have lacked the conviction and passion to do the things i want to. Today, went out for haircut in the late noon. I wanted to play pool, catch a movie. I thought of people I could call, but before even trying, put it off and headed home. Cos I was plain shit arse lazy. Damn. Is it me or is it the effects of camp on me? Most probably me, cos for the later half of my life, I lacked passion to do almost anything, except that I loved doing nothing. oh damn, its one of those days again.
Ya know, I duno whether to envy or pity singaporeans today ornot. Why envy? They seem to have tons of things to do, are very passionate about them, are driven to succeed, and I am the exact opposite. Hahahaha. Why pity? Cos all that passion, that drive, leads to money, which sadly, many of us succumb to at times, me included. I conclude, with much logical thinking on my part, that singaporeans would be just like me if they were done achieving their money goals, passionless, driveless, and arse kickin lazy. what a crime to waste life like that. And here I am committing it in broad daylight on a lovely thursday. =)
I try to discover
A little something to make me sweeter
Erasure - A Little Respect
Ya know, I duno whether to envy or pity singaporeans today ornot. Why envy? They seem to have tons of things to do, are very passionate about them, are driven to succeed, and I am the exact opposite. Hahahaha. Why pity? Cos all that passion, that drive, leads to money, which sadly, many of us succumb to at times, me included. I conclude, with much logical thinking on my part, that singaporeans would be just like me if they were done achieving their money goals, passionless, driveless, and arse kickin lazy. what a crime to waste life like that. And here I am committing it in broad daylight on a lovely thursday. =)
I try to discover
A little something to make me sweeter
Erasure - A Little Respect
Monday, November 5, 2007
A day of firsts
I'm a lazy blogger, thats for sure. Let me begin with Saturday.
Saturday
My debut in a triathlon. Or rather, a 3 man triathlon relay. I'm not that tough after all ya know. Hahaha. Anyway, why a day of firsts. Its my first time in an event like this, i'm the first and only dude to wear school shoes for the running segment (I'm quite sure of that, cos I had the whole world staring at my feet) and I came in first!! Well, seeing nobody ahead of me, I thought it would be logical and reasonable to count me first the moment I came in. =) WOOOOH!
The funniest thing i did was to sprint past a whole row of female competitors slogging out the last 100m to the finish line. The whole crowd went "whoaaa..." hahahaha. I cannot take it man. Too damn funny. I made myself look like I ran the race of my life, when actually, I've been jogging like a wuss for almost the whole race. Lesson learnt here people, is that u start fast in a race, end fast in a race, cos theres always ppl there looking. Slack in the middle cos theres noone there to see you. YES!!!
Sunday
Had a great time today with my cell group. It was a great time to bond with old and new members, with Cindy being the only new member actually. Well, it don't matter, cos we all had arse kickin fun. I was crap shit at charade. The way Aileen, Sam and Yoon Hee acted out the topics were great. We had a brain juice game with the naming game, and I proceeded to irritate sam, aileen and jeffrey with my antics at pool. It was great, really kick arse funny, and cindy couldn't resist laughing her ass off. Anyway, shes on my team, I irritate, she clear the table. Woooohh!!!! Perfect partnership babeh! After that, a swim, a steam bath, dinner. Sweeeeeeet. Everything was great. Thanks to everybody for a memorable time.
Just a side note though. On the way to anchorpoint for lunch, me being the usual me, took a peek at what maureen was messaging. I have this habit of peeking la, sorry. It appears she was messaging vincent, that she was tired, and sad that she couldn't join us for the gathering. I felt real sad, because we were all happy on that bus, happily chit chatting. The atmosphere was what she didnt need. She wasnt her usual cheery self anyways. So sad to see her like that, because maureen is like a jack russell. =)
As evil as it sounds, sometimes if i really wanted to go for something, but got stuck in the last moment, I'd have the slightest wish that things don't work out. So it makes you feel like you missed out on nothing. Hahahaha. There you go, I said it. Evil me. It sucks sometimes, to be unable to do all these things, cos u know its something u cant afford to miss, but u still gotta miss it. If i were her, I would screw my assignments and do them at night. But hey, shes really serious about her stuff, not like me, almost not serious about anything. =)Hopefully, she, vincent, mayyin, peng ann, can make it for the next gathering. I'd be happy, and i'm sure everybody would too. Cheer up people, smile! Mahjulah Maureeeeeen!!! hahahahaha.
Saturday
My debut in a triathlon. Or rather, a 3 man triathlon relay. I'm not that tough after all ya know. Hahaha. Anyway, why a day of firsts. Its my first time in an event like this, i'm the first and only dude to wear school shoes for the running segment (I'm quite sure of that, cos I had the whole world staring at my feet) and I came in first!! Well, seeing nobody ahead of me, I thought it would be logical and reasonable to count me first the moment I came in. =) WOOOOH!
The funniest thing i did was to sprint past a whole row of female competitors slogging out the last 100m to the finish line. The whole crowd went "whoaaa..." hahahaha. I cannot take it man. Too damn funny. I made myself look like I ran the race of my life, when actually, I've been jogging like a wuss for almost the whole race. Lesson learnt here people, is that u start fast in a race, end fast in a race, cos theres always ppl there looking. Slack in the middle cos theres noone there to see you. YES!!!
Sunday
Had a great time today with my cell group. It was a great time to bond with old and new members, with Cindy being the only new member actually. Well, it don't matter, cos we all had arse kickin fun. I was crap shit at charade. The way Aileen, Sam and Yoon Hee acted out the topics were great. We had a brain juice game with the naming game, and I proceeded to irritate sam, aileen and jeffrey with my antics at pool. It was great, really kick arse funny, and cindy couldn't resist laughing her ass off. Anyway, shes on my team, I irritate, she clear the table. Woooohh!!!! Perfect partnership babeh! After that, a swim, a steam bath, dinner. Sweeeeeeet. Everything was great. Thanks to everybody for a memorable time.
Just a side note though. On the way to anchorpoint for lunch, me being the usual me, took a peek at what maureen was messaging. I have this habit of peeking la, sorry. It appears she was messaging vincent, that she was tired, and sad that she couldn't join us for the gathering. I felt real sad, because we were all happy on that bus, happily chit chatting. The atmosphere was what she didnt need. She wasnt her usual cheery self anyways. So sad to see her like that, because maureen is like a jack russell. =)
As evil as it sounds, sometimes if i really wanted to go for something, but got stuck in the last moment, I'd have the slightest wish that things don't work out. So it makes you feel like you missed out on nothing. Hahahaha. There you go, I said it. Evil me. It sucks sometimes, to be unable to do all these things, cos u know its something u cant afford to miss, but u still gotta miss it. If i were her, I would screw my assignments and do them at night. But hey, shes really serious about her stuff, not like me, almost not serious about anything. =)Hopefully, she, vincent, mayyin, peng ann, can make it for the next gathering. I'd be happy, and i'm sure everybody would too. Cheer up people, smile! Mahjulah Maureeeeeen!!! hahahahaha.
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