The End

I've been doing a lot of thinking these few days(as usual.boring.haha), and then i realized i havent blogged for real long. I'm not made of blogging stuff i guess. i dont make a living outta blogging, so i'm not obliged to blog all day.

I thought about what is one character or personality trait that would influence my next step in my studies, my career. Next thing i know, i thought about my ex teachers. Teachers who would try to impart their knowledge, along with some life skills. All my friends know me well as a english speaking person. cos my chinese sucks, and english is so much more fun. ok i'm biased. haha. Almost everywhere I go, I come across more as a "english only" person. My chinese is in ruins, my dialects are worse.

Then my thoughts went back to primary school. Parents aside, nobody else in this world knows, that english speaking Ivan was such a lousy student in english, that he was selected for english remedial classes within weeks of school, and that chinese remedial only started like eons later. What a great start to Primary 1. The english remedial teacher happened to be my form teacher and english teacher as well. She was fierce and strict in class, but patient in remedial. I got ass whooped by her in class(for not doing homework i think, cant think of anything else), but never in remedial. Ivan hated english. But because of her, he went on to do well in english, eventually getting out of remedial, and developing interests in reading books, in developing his english language. Ivan went on to get an A2 in o levels english. Not much to be proud of, since a2s are aplenty, but compared to what i started off as, its remarkable.

And because of that, Ivan went on to poly, though being a bum, was always tasked with editing the project reports. He might not have contributed much to projects, but he has an undisputed record of editing the language of all the project reports(thats all a bum can boast about). All this, from a kid who started off hating and sucking at english.

She passed away when i was in Pri 5 I think. Having fought breast cancer for a few years, she lost a breast, went for chemo, still came back to work, but succumbed to it in the end. I never shed a tear, I never really bothered when the school announced it. I was never concerned even when I heard she had breast cancer. Only now I realize, that this amazing woman, full of passion for the students she taught, for God, changed my life in epic proportions through the language i now speak today. Now I wish that she was alive still, so that I could pay her a visit, and thank her. Now I wish I wasnt so heartless, now I wish I should've made it to her funeral. Too lazy to bother back then.

And my other primary school form teacher, whom taught me maths. Extremely funny woman, but extremely strict as well. She left the school, rumours had it that it was due to stress. She then worked for a childcare centre a few blocks down the street. I visited her when I was in secondary school. Still the cheerful funny woman. Strong woman. Then I stopped visiting. Too lazy.

And another secondary school teacher, who taught me for all my 4 years there. He gave me great advice. He was a wise fella. But when his wife passed away, I took no effort to look at the notice that was put up. too lazy.

All my laziness has cost me, and to think that for a moment, I had no regrets about being lazy. My one of many great failings, is the lack of effort. I dont fall in place for things, things must fall in place for me. I'm sorry my teachers. I'm too late. This is the end for me. No more blogging. Not that anyone reads anyway. Hahahaha.

Back

I've been either lazy, or moodless to blog. Nothing very significant happening in the long time you didnt see me, just tt I've got a wedding to attend tmr. Planning for Bangkok trip. Thinking of Cambodia. Thinking of studies. Thinking of money. Thinking of girls. Thinking of driving license. Think think think think think think think think think think think.

Thought about a lot of unhappy things that happened lately, but I shall not elaborate. Cos, I realized I have more cause for joy, making new friends, cementing old ones, improving current ones, I have no reason not to smile. I am very thankful dear God, for the beautiful people you have put into my life. SMILEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

SUNSHINE!

six feet under

My prayer life has suffered tremendously these 6 months, along with anything christian. Blank at cell group, blank at church.

I just returned from Taiwan, beautiful scenery, beautiful people. Mr XXX discussed a topic on mental models that different people, and the the mental models that organizations try to impose. He was sort of a dead christian as I call it, because he called himself one but hasnt been praying for years. He said, God is a mental model that Rome tried to create to unify the people donkey years back, till just after Caesar's reign. Caesar dead, Rome is at risk of losing its power. Thats why the vatican was created, they put the words in the bible, left the bad parts out. Tweak the story a little, and voila, you get a bible. The bible did not come from God, human hands wrote it.

It was an interesting discussion, though the "God" mental model only formed part of it. The conclusion to that particular mental model was that people have faith, and faith, is blind. That was his conclusion however, not mine. God is real to me. My personal experience tells me so. Thats the only thing that burns away all that factual discussion about the mental model thingy. That unique experience with God.

I read the book "Brother Andrew" during my time in Taiwan, and I finished it, surprisingly. It's a very inspiring book, and I'm willing to try what he did. Hopefully, I get to blog the results. It sure is, exciting.

Cold

So much stuff I need to settle this week. Been real busy, and every day i spend in there is like shit. I am becoming more and more disgusted, because as 1 person does nothing yet claims credit for all the successes, the other puts on a false front, assuring me everything is dealt with. I don't which is more sick. I'll take a shotgun, and pump their bodies full of lead. But i think i hate the lady more, so she dies first. :) I need to get out fast.

Dad asked me where i wanted to study. I really don't know. I don't know where to start now. My priorities are mixed up, Dad is making it worse. Finances are ok, but poor based on what I targeted.

I haven't prayed for long. I am going nowhere. Not that its a problem, its not foreign to me. Just that this time, I'm at the crossroads. I can't wait too long. I must advance. I am too immature for my workplace. I do not belong there. What am I gonna do then? I'm pissed, frustrated, though I don't show it. Do not test my patience human.

So open up your morning light
And say a little prayer for I
You know that if we are to stay alive
And see the love in every eye
- Paula Cole , "I don't wanna wait" -

Redemption

Things are getting crazier as days go by. Closer to leaving, yet it dawned on me that I am not ready for life again. Studies, future, very much undecided. Todays sermon was about generosity, giving cheerfully. My book topic was about doing everything for the glory of God. I found it hard to swallow. My current workplace? For the glory of God? Trying to work for the glory of God in a place where people play god? Goodness.

Couple of days back, I caught CSI Miami on TV. In the end of it was a scene I deemed priceless and beautiful, though most might not. Horacio, always portrayed as cool, shot a gangster to death. He went over to the body, brushed the wound with his fingers, and spreaded the blood over his fingers as if to make sure it was real. Then the next scene shows him in a catholic church, down on a knee, looking at the crucified Jesus as if for a ray of hope. He proceeds to the confession box, where he looks in guilt at his bloodied fingers, eyes craving for forgiveness. Mr Cool, is human after all.

I spent some time talking to Alan yesterday night. It turns out, his parents are living separately, he lives with his mom and older sis. His mom has been in and out of hospital lately, and refuses to tell him the reason. It doesnt help that hes tied down either. I told him if he had brought the matter up to me or other superiors earlier, efforts could be made for him to spend more time at home with his mom. I asked him what were his plans after ord, he said to work, earn money and take his mom on a holiday. So heartwarming yea? Not many people would do that. I am so privileged and blessed, I am ashamed of myself.

So many things are happening now..need to take things one step at a time, and plan with a clear head what I have and need to do. God help me. God help and bless those who need Him.

Maybe Baby

Boring boring saturday. Was supposed to meet krish at bukit panjang plaza, and head to town for a gathering with poly mates, but both appointments were cancelled. All this I knew when I was ready to leave. Well, me being me, I still chose to go out, because my heart was set on leaving house. I just wandered all the way to Jurong Point and back, doing some reading and reflection. Turns out Life bookshop has shifted from Jurong Point.

I was reading Max Lucado's Cure for Common Life. Nothing really struck me, till I thought about the book itself, what it was written for. Purpose. The one thing that drives us humans to perfection in what we do. That is what I lack now. Trials and temptations are tests of faith, but I've failed them all. During CG, when Cindy asked me to share about Leeyen, I was probably stunned. I didnt know what to say. I know I should have shared, cos thats the whole purpose of the campaign, but I did not. I'm sorry guys.

I realized that all this while, since the day I was born, I never really had a purpose. Most, if not all of my friends, more or less have their lives mapped out, or narrowed down to a few choices. Mine is pretty much a question mark. I've got no plans, no purpose, so what drives me? I'm currently living on balls. Not that I've got mammoth balls, but balls enough to drag my ass to work, balls enough to keep myself from imploding, enough to contain the rot. Not stop it, but contain it. Not good eh. I know what a purpose can do to your life. I've seen people develop a passion so strong for their purpose, it drives away everything unnecessary in their lives, burns the chaff, leaving no space for evil to creep in.

I look back to the pathetic email I sent to Kairos about Leeyen. Once again, how I could be consumed by such madness, I do not know. But I know. Because my lack of purpose allowed such things to crawl into my mind. I've made a mess of everything in my life. I always thought I was strong, thought I would never fall to such a pathetic, pitiful state. Oh well, here I am. The current disillusionment at work does not help either. I need to work something out, to pick up the pieces, and do it fast. Purpose if everything huh?

To God, to Kairos, I'm sorry. I have not been praying for a real long time, so long I'm ashamed to say it, I have not followed the 40doc book, I have not put my heart into this campaign. I can only type it here, lest I ruin it for the newcomers and give them a bad impression. My mind and heart is quite blank during CG nowaweeks.

I think back to the email I typed. Oh what I felt at that time. Daisy told me to give it up. Jeff said so long as you have no regrets, do it. And of course Aileen before has told me, what Daisy told me. I received no reply from the rest, but I had this feeling they knew I was giving full vent to my emotions, and I also had this feeling they mumbled a short sweet prayer for me. At that time, I felt comforted because of all these feelings. Now, in retrospect, I feel assured, because i think they knew that, all they had to do, was listen to me. Just like God, they listened to me. Ahh, the sweet love of my cell group. And because of that, maybe, just maybe, I can hang on a little longer.

I'm tired. I'm feeling really tired, for the first time in my life...

5, hv, perverts, blokus..somedays just aint so easy..

I'm getting busier and busier. And i'm giving full vent to my frustrations. So much for righteousness and all that core values shit. Anyways, so sorry. I rarely have privacy now, so its difficult to post. Lets recap shall we.

5
thats the time I've been sleeping at consistently for a few weekends. I think I'm becoming an insomniac, or somebody did voodoo on me.

HV
I've been to holland v 3 times over the weekend, all for meals. I ate at coffee club, yi bao, cha cha cha. Pretty good food. Nice..

Perverts
For the second or third time in my life, I caught a perv masturbating in the urinal next to me. Whats wrong with guys nowadays? How bout a little discretion here. Next time this happens, I'll punch the guy with his pants down. Nobodys complaining if you do it in private man..

Blokus
I'm victorious in Blokus!!! I won 2 games. Soooo happy. I always get owned by yoon hee and paul. But, I've learnt a new way. Not thinking and going crazy destroys their game plan more than it destroys me..thus, I win!!!! Muahahahaha..

I've got some unsettled reflections and thoughts once again..i'll post once my mind is clearer, and I have the privacy i need. Goodnight!!!